Day 30: When You Have Nothing to Say
I’ve always found it different to express myself with words, I think that one of the main reasons I’ve always used being creative physically as an outlet. It’s like I talk to myself internally constantly and sometimes if I feel frustrated, I paint or make some type of art. I often don’t, or haven’t found the right words to express what I’m actually feeling because sometimes I really just don’t know.
This may be a source of frustration in itself for people close to me as it may not be the easiest thing to understand what my mood is or sometimes it may seem as if I’m not in a good mood even thought that isn’t the case at all. I’m just in deep thought.
I can’t share those thoughts because my mind is my own space to work out things and many times there’s so many thoughts, I haven’t worked out so I don’t have anything to share.
I don’t want to put thoughts that haven’t been fully processed out into the world because they could end up being completely misinterpreted. I really hate to be misunderstood or for someone to twist what I’m trying to say. I like there to be understanding and to be understood.
I don’t think I’m complicated.
Maybe a little.
That’s why I don’t want to be misunderstood. Id rather stay quiet and work out my own thoughts privately in my mind. Why out something out there that could potentially hurt another person or cause confusion?
So, let me sit and stay quiet with my mind and its thoughts. That way I can work through my issues in my head hopefully without having to offend anyone.
My silence is not meant to be offensive. Its my strategy of mental escape and play of safety and working things out.
It doesn’t mean that I don’t care, it just means that I don’t have anything to say right now so let me stay quiet. I’m processing. I can’t deal with an empty conversation right now because my mind is full. I don’t want to use my energy to create small talk when it really means nothing to me and I’m not connected.
Sometimes there are just no words. So, I paint, I draw, I carve, I create something, anything, I just make because sometimes there are no words in my head. No words to speak, nothing that has any substance or value. Just air and nothing. Emptiness. Feelings without any kind of expression or comprehension.
So, there’s nothing to say.